tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-14943330578048663592012-02-16T21:29:35.100-06:00CFNnoreply@blogger.comBlogger441100tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1494333057804866359.post-35203435663345841872008-06-23T08:08:00.004-05:002008-06-23T08:26:07.943-05:00

IT'S ALL ABOUT timing. George Carlin- rest his gnarly little soul- knew about timing, knew the art of The Ba-DUM-bum-bum. Barack gets it; he's the master of the timed news item, the Grand Poobah of Apropos Announcements. And who is it again who says timing is everything? Oh, that's right: everyone.On July 17th a grand confluence of gaming companies comes together in Los Angeles for the E3,

CFNnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1494333057804866359.post-70968915635460690512008-06-18T10:09:00.006-05:002008-06-24T08:04:10.325-05:00

LEONARD'S HOME LAY in terrible disarray. His easy chair rested on one side, the stuffing spilling out of a slash in the fabric. His neat rows of books had tumbled to the floor in wild profusion, pages lying torn and fluttering. The kettle was missing. With a cry he sprang to his feet. The fire burned brightly, and Leonard seized the fire tongs to pull out a smoldering book. The remains of his

CFNnoreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1494333057804866359.post-87062532753808412592008-06-18T08:54:00.003-05:002008-06-18T09:34:48.516-05:00

LEONARD SHUFFLED OVER to the kettle and poured the hot water into his favorite mug (the one with a chip taken out of the rim). He slid the mouse out of the fire and put it on a plate, placed a napkin under it, and carefully placed mug and plate on the battered little table next to his easy chair. As he settled himself, sucking out the eyeballs of the mouse before delicately patting his mouth,

CFNnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1494333057804866359.post-78070136532347004032008-06-04T07:25:00.005-05:002008-06-04T07:34:43.214-05:00

"DUTCH MAN INJURES posterior in mooning incident". I think, on the whole, that the news is getting better every day. Ever since Barbara Walters outed herself as the lover of a Republican senator, it's been wonderful! Dutch media goes on to say that he is recovering since the accident, during which something went "horribly wrong".Of course it went horribly wrong! You can't have a "mooning incident

CFNnoreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1494333057804866359.post-3760036287903929532008-05-30T07:37:00.003-05:002008-05-30T08:38:31.749-05:00

LITTLE PEOPLE SHOWED up on film yesterday deep in the heart of the Amazon jungle. When I say 'little', I mean, of course, those civilization-impaired humans, not midgets. (Is 'midgets' still P.C.? For that matter, was 'midgets' ever P.C.? A people defined by their penchant for circus work, exotica porn production, and pointing at jaundiced brick paving deserve a name that strikes fear into the

CFNnoreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1494333057804866359.post-91143581491853538332008-05-27T07:56:00.004-05:002008-05-27T09:41:00.574-05:00

MEMORIAL DAY WEEKEND became a full-frontal vacation with the addition of a day off on Friday. Jason's friend Billy came into town, and- in addition to eating ourselves senseless- we saw as much of Memphis as it is possible to see and still sleep nights.For me, the best part was finding out that Earnestine & Hazel's has Sunday night jazz (during which the entire audience- made up of thirty people

CFNnoreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1494333057804866359.post-67765070197268304702008-05-16T08:19:00.006-05:002008-05-16T09:23:49.520-05:00

I'D LIKE TO riff on the subject of stubbornness this morning, if you'll bear with me while I indulge myself. Most people, I find, describe themselves of stubborn. I think that's an American thing, "Oh, I'm so stubborn, tee hee! Isn't that awful?" with the kind of tongue-in-cheek pseudo-shame that typifies those things of which we are most proud. What is it that makes us pride ourselves on being

CFNnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1494333057804866359.post-34925412497274226412008-05-12T09:52:00.002-05:002008-05-12T10:09:49.033-05:00

REASON #3,428 THAT Alec Baldwin is the single finest celebrity on the face of the planet: He recently went on '60 Minutes' and described Kim Basinger's lawyer, Judy Bogen, as "a 300 pound homunculus with a face like a clinched fist". He then immediately recanted, saying that description was "too kind".Who says 'homunculous' on prime-time television? Alec Baldwin, that's who!

CFNnoreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1494333057804866359.post-26441876202528963662008-05-05T07:52:00.004-05:002008-05-05T08:42:58.033-05:00

ONCE UPON A time, there lived a young green troll. He made his home under a stone bridge which he had caulked carefully in order to make it draft-proof. In the autumn he collected provisions for the coming winter- sheep's eyeballs, goat ears, cow intestines and the like- and secreted them away in the well-organized pantry he had carefully carved into an abutment of the bridge. He liked nothing

CFNnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1494333057804866359.post-12728791851926673502008-05-02T08:13:00.002-05:002008-05-02T08:24:35.928-05:00

THIS IS TOO good to be true. This is so good, it must be fattening. It's so good, you're going to puke on yourself.Barbara Walters had an affair with a U.S. Senator.Barbara Walters! U.S. Senator!! Ahh, I'm in heaven!!From now on, Babs' new nickname is 'Jack Donaghy'. For those of you who are foolish/busy enough not to watch '30 Rock', Jack is the fictional uber-conservative head of NBC who

CFNnoreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1494333057804866359.post-75791755617554242592008-05-01T07:59:00.003-05:002008-05-01T08:33:22.703-05:00

THIS MORNING, JASON asked that I write about Barack Obama and the Wright Controversy (sounds like the title of a children's story, doesn't it? 'Barack Obama and the Land of the Teddy Bears'). I was deeply flattered that he would want my point of view, until I realized that in reality he simply doesn't have the patience to read CNN.com and wanted the Cliffs Notes version of the controversy. When I

CFNnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1494333057804866359.post-16228130713814752972008-04-29T07:55:00.003-05:002008-04-29T08:26:09.301-05:00

WHERE'S THE SUBTLETY? Where's the originality? Where, in short, is the beef? It saddens me deeply to tell you that for reasons best left to television executives, HRH Britney Spears shall be returning to 'How I Met Your Mother'. This, of course, is because she appeared on the program earlier and gave them a big ratings boost. Everyone watched. Of course they watched! They wanted to see if she'd

CFNnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1494333057804866359.post-38448842178931775142008-04-22T07:50:00.003-05:002008-04-22T08:30:24.442-05:00

IT'S THE BIG day! You're excited, I'm excited- hey, who isn't getting their panties in a bunch today? Oh, you know what I'm talking about: watching the results of the Pennsylvania democratic primaries roll in! Can you stand it?! The deal, or so I understand it, is that Hilary either wins this one or walks away a loser. Even if she wins, she has to win by more than fifty delegate votes just to

CFNnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1494333057804866359.post-69628431578876977852008-04-17T08:26:00.002-05:002008-04-17T08:50:59.794-05:00

WHEN YOU REGISTER to vote, there's a little box at the bottom of the page that says 'Sign or Make Your Mark Here'. Sign... or make your mark. Now, my first thought was that this is for people like Opie down in Packing & Shipping; Opie who can't be trusted to hold a safety pencil the right way up without nibbling on it, and who needs someone else to guide his hand for his caveman-like, scrawled '

CFNnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1494333057804866359.post-77405116316299630902008-04-14T07:56:00.003-05:002008-04-14T08:02:33.818-05:00

YOU CAN RELAX. Bush is gonna pick the Pope up at the airport today. Thank God. I know you so didn't want to go get him yourself.I can just hear George now: "Laura! What's the flight number? No, I'm looking for my shoes- just Google it for me, will ya? Dammit, where the hell are my- Northwest!! Jesus, woman, just look it up, he's gonna be here any minute! Where the fuck are my shoes?!"Tee hee!

CFNnoreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1494333057804866359.post-87836426514178006342008-04-10T08:49:00.004-05:002008-04-10T09:28:19.018-05:00

LEGOS DOMINATED MY childhood. I was a collector of Legos, as much as any third child can be of any toy that costs more per square inch than hair plugs. My real breakthrough came one day when the boyfriend of an older sister decided to toss off his childish things in the pursuit of manhood, I believe at the ripe old age of sixteen. His loss was my gain, as he came to the house one day bearing an

CFNnoreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1494333057804866359.post-58991457313490935352008-04-07T13:26:00.004-05:002008-04-07T14:15:43.550-05:00

MY FRIEND OMAR began a McMuffin/McGriddle (sorry, McGriddles!) controversy in the comments which now has progressed into full-blown posting, if only because as I was researching the McGriddles phenomenon I came across some truly fascinating bits of information. Basically, he questioned if Dr. McMuffin loved the McGriddles as an homage to his original genius, or would he have shunned it like a

CFNnoreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1494333057804866359.post-51413207580243989942008-04-07T08:35:00.006-05:002008-04-07T09:18:01.233-05:00

STEVE IRWIN CONTINUES to work miracles from beyond the grave. His father, Bob, has come out publically to praise his son for stopping him from commiting suicide: once, after his wife died in a car accident- Steve called his cell phone at a pivotal moment-- not to pick holes, but wouldn't you turn your cell phone off if you were really making away with yourself?-- and once after Steve's own death.

CFNnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1494333057804866359.post-59095504286773514982008-04-03T08:23:00.003-05:002008-04-03T08:45:52.639-05:00

LAST NIGHT, I dreamed about Barack Obama. I'm certain I'm not the only one out there doing this (including Mrs. Obama, Democrat nerds, and Barry himself). He and I were discussing campaign strategy just before his big speech in a high school gymnasium. I was helping by handing out small plastic pom-poms to the crowd (yellow for McCain supporters, green for Obama supporters, and none for Hilary; I

CFNnoreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1494333057804866359.post-91541320438799113542008-03-31T08:48:00.002-05:002008-03-31T09:16:26.531-05:00

BECAUSE IT JUST would not stop raining this weekend, it was the right time to garden. Spring is in the air, and even getting my house hit by lightning wasn't going to slow me down from getting seedlings in dirt (it filled the bedroom with red light and fried the toaster- the lightning strike, that is, not the dirt).Key to the planting extravaganza was the purchase of three windowboxes and one

CFNnoreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1494333057804866359.post-10419107614487754922008-03-28T09:41:00.005-05:002008-03-28T10:09:49.115-05:00

I READ MY horoscope every day. Wait, it gets worse! I know my astrological profile, and those of all my friends. I believe my tendency towards obsessive hygenie and nagginess comes from having Mars and Venus in Virgo. I find myself thinking horrible thoughts like, "Yes, well, perfectly understandable as his ascendant is in Cancer!" and think my moon in Pisces makes me somewhat psychic. It's all

CFNnoreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1494333057804866359.post-77335943518269277142008-03-27T08:15:00.002-05:002008-03-27T08:32:24.378-05:00

THE CREATOR OF the Egg McMuffin died today, and I think a moment of silence is called for.Wait for it.Wait for it...Done! It's a shame, really, for though I haven't eaten at a McDonald's in ten years or more, I have a certain fondness for the ubiquitous breakfast. Any morning meal in my house that includes an english muffin (or 'mo-mo', as we call them), egg, and slice of cheese is an Egg

CFNnoreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1494333057804866359.post-35118299261399815042008-03-25T08:19:00.017-05:002008-03-25T10:59:30.924-05:00

JASON AND I were talking last night about communication- well, arguing about it, ironically. His premise was that in order to communicate one must use only language; you had play the verbal game, so to speak, in order to get other humans to understand you. My counter was that humans communicate in a variety of ways: art, music, smoke signals, and so on. He dismissed all these and tried again: why

CFNnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1494333057804866359.post-52666073238655368952008-03-21T13:54:00.007-05:002008-03-21T14:29:49.703-05:00

DAN AND KRYSTINA are gracing me with their presence this weekend, and I couldn't be more pleased. I've tried to think of ways to entertain them in a particularly Memphis style, and it's been an interesting exercise in realizing what it is I like about Memphis, something I haven't ever had to do before.When I think of good bars, I think the P and H, Ernestine and Hazel's, and Celtic Crossing-

CFNnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1494333057804866359.post-7271478950883998392008-03-21T07:55:00.009-05:002008-03-24T09:27:51.392-05:00

THE MAYOR OF Memphis decided yesterday afternoon to resign. He wishes us to believe that this is delightful whim brought on by the rising joys of spring. He also said he would like to re-apply for his former position of Superintendent of City Schools, which is currently vacant (Memphis not having 'educational priorities', so to speak). Charming! What fun!What is emphatically not being said is

CFNnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1494333057804866359.post-78943005006765631042008-03-20T08:10:00.006-05:002008-03-21T09:01:13.286-05:00

EVERYONE WANTS TO be a superhero, it looks like from the comments and emails. I like this. I encourage this. I think we all need to be pixelated into comic dots, to see ourselves in superhero form. Yesterday after I wrote my Flash blog I started thinking about my friends and trying to figure out which superhero each would be*.Some people were easy- one friend is certainly the Hulk (perfectly

CFNnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1494333057804866359.post-16941183930497650722008-03-19T13:13:00.018-05:002008-03-21T09:04:13.736-05:00

IF YOU HAD to be any superhero, who would it be? I think the answer says more about a person than anything else. The real challenge of picking your superhero is not just choosing which traits you'd want, but- more subtly- seeing the downside of the traits you might not want.Superman, for example, is a perennial favorite. But some things you might not want to know. Would you really get a lot out

CFNnoreply@blogger.com9tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1494333057804866359.post-57224516819048973672008-03-18T10:03:00.006-05:002008-03-21T09:04:47.987-05:00

SAY IT AIN'T so, David! Everyone's favorite blind governor and his wife have also been having extramarital affairs. Patterson, the new governor of New York who took over from Eliot "John" Spitzer, dated one woman from 1999 to 2001. That's three good years! Halfway to a common-law marriage! This means that being blind won't stop you from screwing around. This means that everything I really liked

CFNnoreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1494333057804866359.post-76712414289513881242008-03-17T14:28:00.006-05:002008-03-21T09:05:14.521-05:00

IF YOU HAPPEN to pick up your latest college textbook edition of Urban Art and Design, you'll be treated with my lovely visage. That's right, smack on the front of Chapter Eleven (where the most important photos go), my friend Jon and I smile like maniacs during the downtown Chalk Art Festival. Our chalk artwork is not clearly visible, much to the relief of all. It was not well-executed, to say

CFNnoreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1494333057804866359.post-74386282278949340352008-03-14T07:57:00.009-05:002008-03-21T09:05:45.544-05:00

HOUSING PRICES ARE the number one topic of discussion on NPR. At least, I can't turn on Morning Edition without hearing about them. There's so much hair-clutching about what to do about housing prices. They're falling! Dear God, they're FALLING!!! AHHHHHH!!!!It infuriates me that all Congressional and presidential bills proposed on the subject are aimed at:1) limiting foreclosures2) forgiving

CFNnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1494333057804866359.post-90429999883687394892008-03-13T08:51:00.005-05:002008-03-21T09:06:16.778-05:00

I READ A number of blogs myself, and wanted to be able to see when each of them was updated. I hadn't been able to find a way to do this until this morning, when I stumbled on a site that lets you know when each of your blogs is updated. Since it took me so long to find anything like that, I thought I'd pass it on: BlogLines.If anyone knows of another one, though, pass it on! This one is just

CFNnoreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1494333057804866359.post-19299622086487100852008-03-12T12:28:00.011-05:002008-03-12T13:41:16.862-05:00

HUGH FEARNLEY-WHITTINGSTALL is something of an obssession for me. In brief, Hugh is a 30-something London chef who decided one day to chuck all the trappings of smoggy industrial city life. Instead he buys a farm in Dorset, England, and begins to grow his own food and raise his own animals. For one year, he vows he'll try to grow, make, or barter everything he needs to live.This doesn't sound

CFNnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1494333057804866359.post-24339214043206472032008-03-11T14:13:00.006-05:002008-03-11T14:46:41.441-05:00

IF SPITZER RESIGNS, the lieutenant governor (let's call him the governor-in-waiting, for funsies), David Paterson, would be(1) the first black governor of New York(2) BLIND!!!!!!I'm so excited I can hardly type. Spitzer! Spitzer! Spitzer! Out! Out! Out! Lt. Govey Paterson lives in Harlem with his wife and two children. What do you want to bet he doesn't waste thousands of dollars in prostitutes

CFNnoreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1494333057804866359.post-20077360857133197942008-03-11T08:08:00.004-05:002008-03-19T13:13:01.228-05:00

EVAN CAN NOW say 'Fuck', he reported to me yesterday afternoon. Apparently this is quite a big step despite the fact that he has years of practice with the expletive in question. The doctors report that he is suffering from an exceptionally rare variation of the chicken pox virus called Ramsay Hunt syndrome. This indeed causes acute facial paralysis on par with what occurs in stroke victims,

CFNnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1494333057804866359.post-48974353069430909132008-03-10T15:17:00.005-05:002008-03-10T15:31:23.209-05:00

TURN OFF THE sound. Don't look at him. Just watch her eyes. Have you ever seen anyone look more like they're contemplating murder?

CFNnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1494333057804866359.post-34160764916885040572008-03-10T14:01:00.005-05:002008-03-10T14:31:10.469-05:00

YOU HAVE TO love Eliot Spitzer. It must be very difficult to manage both the state of New York and a prostitution ring and still find time to spend with your three lovely daughters (all of whom are of pimpable age). One wonders whether the good governor partook of the fringe benefits that must have come with his pimpin' position.Krystina and the Dan will be descending on my little self for Easter

CFNnoreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1494333057804866359.post-33025160377631739782008-03-07T08:16:00.003-06:002008-03-10T14:01:37.907-05:00

MY FRIEND JOE wrote this most disturbing blog today. He's living in Angola at the moment and writes about how his western perceptions- on personal space, say, or the value of human life- don't meet up anywhere with African ideas. I read that and then immediately read a story about a 101-year-old British man who plans to run a marathon this weekend. He says when he's done he'll do what he always

CFNnoreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1494333057804866359.post-71342128923896405352008-03-06T18:24:00.003-06:002008-03-06T18:37:52.178-06:00

I'M SITTING IN my underwear, drinking Diet Coke and eating string cheese (that's right- I know how to party) and watching a movie I love, Star Trek: First Contact. Man, those hyposprays should totally shoot out the other side of people's arms! If they go through skin, why stop at one layer?Anyway, I'm painting my toenails and it hits me: Every single invention in Star Trek should be the number

CFNnoreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1494333057804866359.post-25803129902805120422008-03-06T14:12:00.005-06:002008-03-06T14:37:54.673-06:00

I'M GOING VIRAL any day now. I can feel it. There are predictions of snow tomorrow; it's gone from maybe an inch to two inches to the next ice age over the last twenty-four hours of weather reporting. When there's snow schedule for a Friday afternoon, well, that's just swell.It's a day to cook, and in honor of the impending snow day I offer unto the Gods Of Getting Off Work my favorite recipe

CFNnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1494333057804866359.post-77715774686933964942008-03-06T12:12:00.004-06:002008-03-06T12:19:54.286-06:00

DATELINE MEMPHIS: CIARA'S blog takes on all comments. You no longer need to be registered anywhere to repondez (s'il vous plaise) to the blog.Go on. Be my anonymous stalker.

CFNnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1494333057804866359.post-7538142939211733092008-03-06T10:32:00.005-06:002008-03-06T12:22:22.317-06:00

I LOVES IT! Heaven forbid they spread the passengers around the remaining three flights. Can't you just see the two flights that didn't have five people on them? They were probably hanging off the wings!Plane flies five passengers from US to LondonA major airline is under fire from environmentalists for flying an aircraft across the Atlantic with only five passengers on board. The flight from

CFNnoreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1494333057804866359.post-57899118390319428572008-03-05T20:27:00.002-06:002008-03-07T09:39:24.490-06:00

COMFORT? THERE'S NOTHING like a good pair of socks. Or ugly-ass red sweatpants. Or my new blue t-shirt. Cleaned house? Check. You can't relax in a dirty house, it's against the law. A longneck beer? Check. A new book? Check and double-check. To achieve zen- and I mean real zen here, not just 'happiness'- I need a made bed, one (sometimes two, but never more) chocolates, a good book, and comfy

CFNnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1494333057804866359.post-76047849649624889012008-03-05T14:43:00.001-06:002008-03-06T12:25:40.344-06:00

I WANT ANSWERS to a serious question.Why doesn't everyone run the Return Address scam with posted letters? Why do we not all write in the 'To' person in the return address box and then slap some insufficient postage on it? Or no postage at all?I've never done this; lawlessness frightens me. But I want to hear from anyone who has, and be told definitively why it wouldn't work 100% of the time.

CFNnoreply@blogger.com8tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1494333057804866359.post-5354610409814556742008-03-05T12:42:00.001-06:002008-03-06T12:26:40.940-06:00

IT'S BEEN A 'tardedly long time since I last kept a regular blog. But time marches on, and after I read Kelly's regularly-updated ramblings (see links), I realized it was high time to start fresh. Out with the old, in with the stupid.And stupid it is. Last night after a few beers I found myself arguing strenuously that humans were all beings of a higher conscience who had chosen to squeeze their

CFNnoreply@blogger.com2